Last week: I learned that I love to watch Noah Bennet's heart break, over and over again.

This week: Waffles and pain!

We open on the Bennets having another awkward breakfast of lies. Claire is getting texts from the Rebellion on her cell and gets in trouble for it, though Mr. Muggles doesn't smite everyone there for being so untrue. Mr. Bennet likes Brown University, which I bet Masi put the writer up to... Claire storms off and they have an intense little argument about the current situation. Damn, she looks good. She hasn't looked this good in, well, ages. Unmoved by her intense hotness, Bennet tells her he's registered her at the local community college, and she damn well better go or there'll be "HELL. TO. PAY."

Meanwhile, the Hunter is having an organizational meeting where he casts aspersions on the manliness of the coffee beverages that befit a Petrelli; Nathan walks in and is all like "Doppio, bitch," and takes control of the meeting. It's kind of rad.

Meanwhile, the Car of Slash, Sylar and 2 Live Luke, listen to a bad cover of "Born to be Wild" and get down to brass tacks. Luke's been lying about the specific location of Sylar's dad, of course, and Sylar can totally tell. He grabs Luke around the neck and it's really kind of hot; Luke talks him down by calling him out as a serial killer, and tips the power balance back by pointing out that only he knows where Sylar's Real Dad is. They get spotted by a road camera... oops.

Acting on a tip from R2-D2 (many innocent lives were lost to get that text message to her...), Claire goes to a comic book store staffed by the hottest, hunkiest clerk ever (like a cross between Jonathan Lethem, Jeff Goldblum, and Harry Connick, Jr) (no offense, sexy boy who works at Cosmic Monkey Comics, who I really need to call and ask out, even though he's probably married) who promptly is a fucking sexist and doesn't believe that a Real Hot Blonde Teenage Girl would ever go to a comic store and GODDAMMIT FUCK YOU. Claire engages in a little self-harm to prove her point, and while Hot Comic Sexist is standing there with his mind blown, Bennet walks in. OK, now, seriously, that is just as unlikely as a Hot Blonde walking into a comic book store; how many be-suited, fifty-ish government employees go to comic shops? They totally shop online, I'm thinking. STOP PERPETUATING THE STEREOTYPE, ASSHOLES. Claire calls Bennet as a distraction, and Hot Comic Guy pushes over a spinner rack to enact a getaway. He and Claire jump into his convertible VW Rabbit (gay?) and screech away.

OOOH MOIRA KELLY!!! anyway... mmm... OK, what was I thinking? Ooh, and Randall Bentley, which means there'll be Lyle. You don't understand; I love Lyle. Well, there's some Lyle (I think he has one line, maybe?) and I feel cheated. We only get proper Lyle Style™ like once per "volume". They've also been stingy with the Muggles. WTF?

Meanwhile, Hiro and Ando have gone to India! They arrive at a wedding (??) and Ando tries the logical approach to figure out why the hell they're there. Ando meets the bride, and tells her to call off the wedding; she immediately listens to him, having wished for a hot, Korean sign from heaven that she shouldn't get married. So Ando fires up the spark plugs, and she is all over that in a "Virgin Mary in my grilled cheese sandwich" kind of way. Hiro comes in and gets jealous that he's not the one who gets to have a Special Destiny today, because it always has to be about him, and his Special Destiny To Save Da World Because He Is A Strong, Valiant Hero With A Destiny. OK, y'all, you know I love Hiro, like a LOT, but this is getting painful.

Moira Kelly has aged a lot since FIRE WALK WITH ME and CHAPLIN, but not so much that Nathan doesn't immediately fuck her with his eyes. She's a government consultant sent to figure out what the hell is up with his plans, which sound like an even less coherent X-Files. Nathan herds her into a small closet, so they can get close, and he can look at her chest, and tries to explain his position. She immediately puts the smack down and is like "I am the top dog here, and YOU are the bitch. So cough up one of these magical superheroes and prove it to me." And immediately I love her.

Back in the Slash Car, Luke is going on about memories... memories from the corners of his mind... misty watercolor memories that are almost exactly like memories that Sylar has... ones that pretty much prove that LUKE IS HIS BROTHER. Does that make him a Faux Petrelli, too? "He sold you for money, you know," Luke says. And I guess he's telling the truth. Sylar feels pretty unspecial.

Meanwhile, Tracy is in chain bondage, and... well, y'know? Moira Kelly is shocked and awed; she knows Tracy from back when Tracy actually did her job as a lobbyist, and not just as a lingerie-clad Dick Cheney. The red lights are very sensuous, and Nathan's explanation sounds completely insane. Moira Kelly (whose character's name is Abby) says that she's shutting this madness down and filing a human rights violation; she stalks out, ignoring Tracy's desperate calls to her. Nathan looks like he's just eaten roasted kitten by mistake.

Claire and Comic Book Hunk drive out to the beach and park. He wants to know why he'd be targeted; when Claire asks if he has a special ability besides small-minded sexist assumptions, he confessed that he can breathe underwater. HE IS AQUAMAN. Sweet! "I've never told anyone; I didn't know there were others," he says, and now the VW Rabbit makes sense. Come to West Hollywood, dear; there are others like you there. Claire warns him about staying safe and secure, and he wonders if this is the luckiest day of his life or what. He does, unfortunately, have to ditch his car, just in time to avoid a bunch of agents on their trail.

Ando is getting the full Indian delicacy treatment from two absolutely stunning Indian lasses, and the Former Bride explains that her marriage was, of course, arranged. Hiro is depressed; he feels that he was supposed to stop the wedding from happening, and thus get his powers back. Man, he's a real little bitch when his ego is bruised, isn't he? Ando calls him out. It's rad. Unfortunately, Former Groom comes in and he is seriously pissed off. He threatens the Former Bride and Ando with a big pot, which he uses to clonk Ando on the head with, and then abducts our BFF Sidekick. D'oh!

Bennet calls the Hunter, and gives him the sitrep. The Hunter totally knows it's Claire who allowed Comic Book Hottie to get away, and now Bennet knows that he knows, and now we know, too.

In a roadside diner, Luke is being a little shithead, using his microwave powers to sabotage people's ice cream sodas and stuff. Sylar tells him to knock it off, and stop abusing his gifts. "Always have an objective. Know your endgame before you lift a hand. Keep a clear head. And always know your motivation." Are you talking acting here, pal? "It was totally fun to be a serial killer for a year or so, but, lately, all I want is to find my father," he confesses softly. He wants to know why he turned out the way he did. For God's sake, try psychotherapy; it's much easier on the environment than driving all over the country like a Winchester. Luke gives up the address of the dad, but before Sylar can just kill his ass, a bunch of Bad Guys™ show up and cover all the exists, putting a gun to the favorite spot on his Sylar's head. Luke whines like a little bitch, all "Don't let him hurt me anymore!" (slash alert #896871), creating a mild distraction, and allowing Sylar to whip out a little telekinesis and throw a couple of gunmen around the room. Nonetheless, Sylar gets shot a bunch of times before they can get away. But, in the ensuing chaos, they do. Sylar jumps in the car, locks the door, and DITCHES THE KID at the side of the road. It's SO AWESOME I don't even know what to do with myself. The Bad Guys shoot Luke with an immobilization dart and Sylar's like, "Later, dude..." and ... do I see a new vendetta brewing here?

I love this widescreen, pretty, soapy, dopey show.

Meanwhile, back at the wedding, Hiro runs up and protests. "You have kidnapped my friend. I want him back!" He tells everybody there that Anna doesn't want to marry Mean Evil Deepak. Unlike any Indian parent ever, Dad caves and is all "I just want you to be happy..." Yeah, RIGHT. Anyway, Hiro punches out Deepak, brandishing a breadknife, and Deepak's all "fuck this shit" and calls off the wedding. Hiro is all "YATTA!" and I'm all "Shut up, Hiro."

Back in Costa Verde, Claire meets Bennet out on the street in the Rogue and tries to play it cool. Bennet will have none of it. Claire tells him that she won't be controlled. And scene.

Back in Nathan's personal hell, Abby is trying to throw her weight around, but Nathan tells her to suspend her disbelief and believe that a man can fly. Abby insists that it doesn't justify torture and is exactly the kind of person we needed in government for the last six years. But - Tracy manages to somehow get free, and grabs a guard. Nathan and Abby rush over to the sound of alarms, klaxons, and guys yelling in gruff voices. Tracy and Doomed Young Black Guard tussle; Tracy freezes his top half, and he falls against a wall and his top half shatters, leaving his legs intact and collapsing against the wall, and it's SO COOL. And Abby's mind is TOTALLY BLOWN. And Nathan looks at her like "You KNOW we're going to have sex a couple of episodes down the road because you can't resist how fucking hot I am." No, really, that's the look. If you've watched the show, you know the look. Usually that's exactly what transpires; let's see how lucky Moira Kelly gets.

"I know how upsetting that must have been," Nathan apologizes. Abby is like "I'll get you all the funding you want, bad boy" and Nathan really couldn't have asked for a better justification. He truly is favored by the gods. (Or, as it turns out, and makes more sense, by the bad guys. Poor Nathan; if he has a destiny, it will be that everything he touches turns to shit, especially if he starts out with good intentions. How horrible it would be to have that life; maybe that's why I want so much for him to be happy. I want him to get his kids back, y'know? And for Peter - and Angela - to tell him that they love him. And I seriously doubt that any of those things will be happening. How does this show make me sympathetic to such a monster of a man? He really does make Sylar look nicer in comparison, poor bastard.)

Claire tells Sandra just what Bennet's been up to; that he's been lying to her, that he's now working to abduct Specials, and that she was there and she saw it. Sandra is really, really upset. "It's starting all over again..." Bennet comes home bearing Indian takeaway, clueless about the shitstorm he's just walked into. Sandra sends Claire away while she rips her husband a new asshole. Ouch. Ouch ouch.

Meanwhile, back in Nathan's bondage dungeon, Tracy's back in chains and Nathan's back to being too close. "You wanted me to escape," she accuses, and obviously that must be true, because that "Oh fuck" expression comes over Nathan's face. WHAT IS UP WITH YOU, DUDE? You can't have your cake and eat it too!

Out in the field, if the black abduction van's a-rockin', don't bother knockin' because Sylar's in there killin' and stealin' clothes and gettin' all sweaty. He kidnaps Luke back and walks away with the kid slung over his shoulder, like a sack of very duplicitous, untrustworthy, punk-kid potatoes. Man, I really want there to be a Sylar/Dexter crossover. Just one episode. Please?

Ando apologizes to Hiro, since Hiro rescued him. Hiro's learned a very important lesson - he doesn't need powers to be a hero - yet again, huh. Anyway, someone sent Ando a fax - Destiny did, in fact - telling them something about Parkman (I missed that).

Anyway, Sandra has thrown Bennet out. No couch, even; OUT of the house. Explaining it all to Claire, Bennet is contrite, his voice tearful, and it's beautifully done and hurts me in my heart area, because it sounds so much like what my own dad said to me under the same circumstances. OWWEEEE MY SOUL. Ow. Stop it, show. Stop it, Jack Coleman! Stop nailing it! But you know who'd like to be "nailing it"? Yep, that'd be Comic Book Babe, who is hiding in the closet like R. Kelly, and who comes out to stand next to Claire and feel really, really, really awkward, wondering if he will ever get a girl to talk to his sexist ass. Stay home with your hentai, you extremely attractive fuckhead. It's that kind of attitude that keeps girls out of comic shops, and now your whole business model is in jeopardy. Sexism hurts society, don't you get it? Anyway... professional rant over, just in time for...

Oh no Sylar is not listening to "Psycho Killer". OK, show, you've gone too far. That's about as subtle as having Nathan driving around listening to "Sympathy for the Devil." It goes beyond laziness to a whole new level of DON'T.

Nathan confronts the Hunter, demonstrating that he knows the name of the guy who got killed today. (Doomed Black Guard, i guess.) He calls out the Hunter for allowing Tracy to escape, and have that incident happen - and indeed that's true. "If you want to apologize to his bloodstain, it's still warm," Nathan snits. You go, girl. Except that it's all your fault in the first place, crazy man. I liked you better when you were a bitter alcoholic. No, wait, that's not true. I never LIKED Nathan. I love Nathan, with a flame that burns steady and true. But "like"? No. I "like" Ando. I "like" Molly. I would consider a serious betrayal of my own principles for Nathan.

Bennet is getting fucking wasted at a hotel bar. What? Huh. I just don't see that in him. Have we ever seen him drink at all before? He seems way too strait-laced for getting messed up to ever cross his mind, even as a temporary solution to intense psychic pain. Going to the firing range, or taking a judo lesson where he was sure to get his ass kicked, or just sitting in an empty room, sure. But it's a plot device, and one that I will allow, even though the writer (Rob Fresco) should really know better. He's not new; he knows Bennet. But whatever! Bennet is having a big, huge whiskey on the rocks. Mmmmm, whiskey. Oh, my, he's getting a taste of his own medicine, because he's been roofied, and falls off his barstool to land on the ground... Roofied by Peter, and Matt, and Mohinder, and OMG SLASH AWARDS ALERT NOW!!1!11!

So... I guess they are playing to the back of the room now. I happen to live in the back of the room, so I am totally down with this. I should really resent the pandering, but I love the pandering. I don't love that it IS pandering, but on the other hand, it's a bunch of stuff that works for me. I'm sorry, rest of the world; the show's now officially all-fanservice. Oh - except that no men had their shirts off this week. I guess the "sex quotient" was supposed to be filled by half-naked Ali Larter, spreadeagled and chained, and... well, yeah, that worked for me. I'm not proud. ;) And yet there's more than enough actual story to keep me completely engaged and intrigued - except for that goddamn Hiro storyline. Hiro needs to shape up, and fast. No one seems to remember how to keep his personality in check, balanced between the boyish idealism, the cheerfulness, and the overwhelming darkness and sadness (which I was hoping would take over his personality more and more, because the closer we get to Season 1 Future Hiro, the better, in my opinion).

Very little Peter, Mo, and Matt this week; I guess they had to go find a supply of chloral hydrate so they could dose Bennet. I am curious about this little venture of Peter's. Sure, he's throwing around heretofore well-buried leadership qualities, but if there's one thing we know about Peter, he chokes when the chips are down, and he's got three major weaknesses - Claire, his mom, and Nathan - and any one of those can be exploited to the hilt. I don't relish having to watch Peter falling on his face yet again, but what's the alternative? What are our alternatives here? The noose is tightening. Especially for Nathan. He'd better not sleep.

Next week: the Bennet Show! In an attempt, perhaps, to recapture the magic of "Company Man", (at least the promos would have us believe) we get a new glimpse into the intricate moral clockwork that is Noah Bennet. Sure, I was hoping to write a tie-in novel about this very issue, but hey - more Bennet = more better.


Daddy issues? We can has them.

Tags: awesome, heroes_meta, liveblog, season three
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